Category: Jokes

Fundamental Laws of Nature Pt. 2

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Fundamental Laws of Nature: Part 1

laws-of-nature-part-1

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You might be an Engineer if…

Your favorite James Bond character is “Q”.
You see a good design and still have to change it.
You still own a slide rule and you know how to use it.
You have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven.
You think the real heroes of “Apollo 13” were the mission controllers.
You think “cuddling” is simply an unproductive application of heat exchange.
You have owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for.
You make four sets of drawings (with seven revisions) before making a bird bath.
You have trouble writing anything unless the paper has horizontal and vertical lines.
Your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies.
You think the value of a book is directly proportionate to the amount of tables, charts and graphs it contains.

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Engineers in Hell

An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer becomes dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer: “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”

Satan replies: “Hey things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

God replies: “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake – he should never have gotten down there; send him up here!”

Satan says: “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”

God says: “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs uproariously and answers: “Yeah, right! And just where are you going to get a lawyer?”

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Train Tickets Joke

Three engineers and three managers have to go to a business meeting in the City and they all decide to take the train.   The three managers get to the station first, buy their tickets, and are waiting around talking when the three engineers show up and buy only one ticket.   They all board the train, and the managers are wondering, “How the hell? They’ll get kicked off…”

The managers take their seats and the engineers pile into a bathroom.   The Conductor comes by takes all the passengers tickets then knocks on the bathroom door and takes the one ticket and moves on to the next car.   Moments later the engineers come out and take their seats.

The managers are impressed… They decide to try the same thing on the way home.   So on the return trip the managers buy only one ticket, but this time, the engineers don’t buy any at all…

They all board the train, managers pile into one bathroom, engineers into another.   Moments later one of the engineers leaves their bathroom, knocks on the door of the other and says “Ticket please”…

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Hot Air Balloon Joke

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.   He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.   He descended a little bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me?   I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The woman below replied, “You’re in a hot air ballon hovering approximately thirty feet above the ground.   You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”

“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.

“I am,” replied the woman.   “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I’m still lost.   Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all.   If anything, you’ve delayed my trip.”

The woman below responded, “You must be in management,” to which he replied, “I am, but how did you know?”

“Well,” the woman responded, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going.   You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.   You made a promise which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.   The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”

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Just a Question of Standards…

Does the statement, “We’ve always done it that way” ring any bells…?

The US standard railroad gauge is 4 feet, 8.5 inches.

That’s an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used?

Because that’s the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that’s the gauge they used.

Why did “they” use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that’s the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.   Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.   And bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a spec and told we have always done it that way and wonder what horse’s ass came up with that, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

Now the twist to the story…

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank.

These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs.   The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah.   The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.

The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains.   The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel.   The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses’ behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world’s most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a Horse’s ass.

And you thought being a horse’s ass wasn’t important ??

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