Contracting Dictionary

CONTRACTOR – A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.
BID OPENING – A poker game in which the losing hand wins.
BID – A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.
LOW BIDDER – A contractor who is wondering what he left out of his bid.
ENGINEER’S ESTIMATE – The cost of construction in heaven.
PROJECT MANAGER – The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union.
CRITICAL PATH METHOD – A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.
OSHA – A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print, red tape, split hairs and baloney usually applied at random with a shotgun.
STRIKE – An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.
DELAYED PAYMENT – A tourniquet applied at the pockets.
COMPLETION DATE – The point at which liquidated damages begin.
LIQUIDATED DAMAGES – A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.
AUDITOR – People who go in after the war is lost and bayonet the wounded.
LAWYER – People who go in after the auditors and strip the bodies.